Bad Water For Walking


This just in . . . the CEO and founder of Lazarus LTD was found dead today on the bank of the East River. A mysterious needle mark was detected, but initial reports from toxologists find them baffled by what they say are traces of a compound never before encountered. Joseph Lazarus had been in the news recently, if you remember, as he had angered Iranian officials for his decision to choose Malaysia, seemingly out of the blue, for the location of his much-hyped pharmaceutical complex, worth, to our knowledge, several billion dollars. Lazarus remained, up until his death, secretive about what he called “over 2 decades worth of research.” It’s still a bit too early to tell how Wall Street will react to this event, but either way, pharmaceutical speculators and the International Market, in general, will have their hands full up until the 4 o’clock bell and beyond . . .

In other news, the reverse stock split announced today by NeuroAlgebra has investors barely interested, due partially to the Lazarus story, and possibly because this was a rather tame response to their just-posted quarterly earnings, “flat-lining” one shareholder remarked, as his shares went up an 1/8th after news of the reverse split went public.

JetStream Corp struck a deal to acquire 6 Apache helicopters from the US Military in an effort to quell employer rebellions at their plant in Nigeria just days after the President granted them added jurisdiction over the surrounding villages for, as he said, “national security purposes.” Their shares have recovered slightly from this morning’s jolt and should climb steadily now that investors have learned that the government will subsidize any debts accrued by this massive purchase.